She Has A Beautiful Smile And I Cannot Worship

 

"The light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed."

John 3:19-20

      I met this girl, not just any girl mind you, the worst kind of girl! The kind of girl with voice that mesmerizes you, eyes that see right through you, and a smile, oh my goodness, a smile that makes you forget how to breathe. She is independent and fierce and loves God. She sounds pretty amazing right? Well she is and that is what makes her the worst kind of girl to be around, because being around her makes you see the worst things about yourself. Realizing this made me realize why it is so hard for me to enter in to worship sometimes.

"The light has come into the world..."

     The Bible says that a light has come into the world. "In the beginning was the Word... He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him... In him was life, and the life was the light of men" (John 1:1-4). The Apostle Paul tells us that each and every person has sinned and because of that we are separated from God (Rom 3:23). But there is hope for us, see God's love for us has nothing to do with who we are or how we act. At our worst, while we were still living in rebellion towards God, Jesus paid for our sins with His own life (Rom 5:8)! John the Baptist knew this and that is why upon seeing Jesus, he declared, "Behold the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world" (John 1:29)! Even though the wages of sin is death, the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus (Rom 6:23). Life is only found in Jesus and that life is the light of man, Jesus is the light that has come into the world.

 

"For everyone who does wicked...does not come into the light, lest his works should be exposed."

      While hanging out with some friends several years ago, we got the bright idea to toilet paper someone's house. We decided to sneak out in the middle of the night so that the darkness would keep anyone from seeing what we were doing. Instead of walking down the lighted streets, we went through the woods to get to the house. About halfway through a twenty-four pack of toilet paper, I set off the motion sensor flood lights. As soon as the lights came on and exposed what we were doing, we all dropped everything and ran away. The irony was that while the darkness hid us, it also blinded us and I ended up running full speed into a barbed wire fence.

 

Worship Begins

      So here I am standing next to this girl and I start to realize some things. I knew this girl was gorgeous and had an awesome personality, but I am hearing the way she is worshipping with this underlying passion and... wow. I start to get kinda excited that I am standing next to her, but then I realize something else...this girl is freakin amazing and well, I'm not. In the presence of such a wonderful girl, through no fault of her own, I begin to see the worst things about me. All of the sudden I am not excited to be next to her, I am scared! Scared that she will notice me, scared that she will see me and realize what a dork I am. I start to sweat and become too scared to even sing because of how horrible I think I sound.

 

Then God Steps In

     The pastor interrupts worship and looks out over the crowd. He begins to challenge the congregation to dig deeper in their worship, to dig deeper because it is our worship that ushers in God's very presence. I feel awkward hearing his challenge, but why? Then, I hear her sing and suddenly I am overwhelmed. See my excitement at standing next to such an lovely young lady had turned into me feeling insecure and inadequate being next to her. I realized it was the same thing in worship. To dig deeper means to get closer, to draw nearer to God. I try to do the right thing, and most of the time I feel like I do and I have; but standing in the presence of God, all these wrongs that I have been blind to are suddenly exposed. Because my reaction to them tends to be one of guilt and self condemnation and find that I sometimes resist engaging in worship and thereby resist getting closer to God.

 

Reality Check

      Why do I feel such shame in His presence? I think it is because I know who I use to be, I know the life the Jesus died to save me from. When I mess up, I feel like I am dishonoring that sacrifice. This is what causes me to place unrealistic expectations upon myself. The Apostle Paul, while speaking on how sin entered the world and how the law brings the knowledge of sin, said, "...where sin increased, grace abounded all the more" (Rom 5:20). In other words, my awareness of my sin can not out grow  the grace God has given to me. Does this then mean I can continue to sin? Paul immediately addressed this saying, "Let not sin reign in your mortal body to make you obey its passion" (Rom 6:12). In Christ we strive to be holy, but if we do fall down we get back up! Temptation happens, sin will come! The Word of God says that even though a righteous man falls down seven times, he gets back up (Prov 24:16). Our fault then, is not in our falling, it is in giving sin the power to keep us from getting back up!

 

Conclusion

     Paul tells us that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ (Rom 8:1)! I do not have to beat myself up when I do make a mistake because the old me, the one who would have not cared, is gone and I am a new creation (2 Cor 5:17)! Sure, I still fall! The difference though is now I get back up and I press on, striving to become better as I keep running to finish this race! This was why Christ died, to set us free from guilt and condemnation and insecurities and inadequacies that the law held us under. We are not perfect, but we can know the one who is! The light of His presence may expose the worst in us, but it is in the light of such greatness that we learn how to become better people. To quote Jack Nicholson in as As Good As It Gets, "You make me want to be a better man!"

Is God Really All We Need?

Yes, I realize that this is some what of a semantic argument. Get over it and read it anyways!

     Often, when going through struggles we hear people tells us, "Just trust in God, He is all you need!" Really? I mean seriously?!? My life is falling apart and this crap is what you tell me! I fear that people actually believe this is good advise. I fear it because far to many times I have witnessed people take this advise only to crash and burn. I hate to pop bubbles, but this is simply not a good motto to live your life by!
     Christianity is based on the reality that man cannot do it on his own; man is unable to live a life void of sin. Sin, that which scars all of humanity, has but one consequence and that is death (Romans 6:23 Ephesians 2:1). So God sent his only son Jesus who stepped out of Heaven and became a man to do what we could not, live a blameless life without sin (John 3:16). Jesus shows his love for us by taking upon himself the sins of the world, by becoming the atoning sacrifice for our sins through death, and by freeing us from the bondage of sin through his resurrection (Romans 5:8 2 Corinthians 5:21 Ephesians 2:4-6). So yes, it goes without saying that as a Christian Jesus is all we need for salvation because salvation only comes through him (John 14:6 Romans 10:9).
     But what about life? What about the day to day struggles of this world? What about the unexpected hardships that knock us down? I am sure it does not come as a shock to anyone that life is hard and full of surprises, both good and bad. Jesus himself acknowledged this and said that we can take comfort during these times because He has overcome the world (John 16:33).  In addition to this, the bible tells us that no matter what happens God will never abandon us and so we should be content in our life (Heb 13:5). Now do not misunderstand me, for there to be any hope for us getting through this life we have to trust God, but trusting God means that we trust all of what He says.
     I do not know whether it is pride, insecurity, a desire not to be a burden, shame or countless other things the result in this motto becoming twisted into meaning that we need God and nothing else. When this happens, this motto becomes the justification for us to start shutting out everyone and everything else and keeping our struggles and hardships to ourselves. We turn to fasting and reading our bibles and praying to God for help, yet often we still seem to find ourselves becoming exhausted and worn out all the while wondering why God is ignoring us. We become discouraged because even though we are doing what we think we are suppose to, we still find ourselves sinking! There is merit and power in fasting and scripture and praying to God, but guys God is not all we need! I can hear you all thinking it, "Heresy! Heresy, I say!" Well calm down and give me a chance to explain.
     God did not just give us himself, He gave us each other! WE are the body of Christ: each of us is a different and unique part, but each of us is still dependent upon the other parts in order to succeed (1 Corinthians 12: 12-27). From beginning to end the bible speaks of our need of other believers. Adam who walked with God had a need for companionship and thus God created Eve. The trend continues on throughout the bible from Moses who had Arron and Hur to Joshua who had Caleb or to David with his "Mighty Men" and Jesus with his inner circle of disciples. God speaks to our need for one another in Proverbs telling us that friends sharpen us through love, support, council and sometimes even harsh rebukes . Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 God tells us that friendships not only bless us, but that together we become stronger. Jesus tells us the second greatest command is to love each and that this love should be the very thing that marks us as believers (John 13:34-35). Galatians 6:2 tells us we are to help bear the burdens of life for one another. To make it through this life, we need each other.
     If our only hope is in God through Jesus, how can God not be all that we need? The answer is because God, being the author and perfecter of our lives, has created us with an inherent need for one another. The bible not only reinforces this need, but it instructs us how to meet it in each other. In all his infinite wisdom, God uses this need to allow us to see and feel a tangible glimpse of His unending love for us. This is why the very idea that it is weak to need or accept help spits in the very nature of God. It was never God's plan for us to be in this world alone, to walk in our faith alone, or to go through the difficulties and hardships of this world alone.

The Harsh Reality of How Much You Are Needed!

     Looking back on these past few weeks, I have really been struggling. It has been almost two years since I first got diagnosed with Leukemia and it has been a year since I received my bone marrow transplant.  During all this time, all of my dreams had to be put on hold and some had to be given up.  I love my life and I am thankful to be alive, but I will not lie and say that there are not days when I am overwhelmed by it all and struggle to keep going.
     Before I got sick, part of what I was known for was my hair and my strength. I can remember being in Guatemala and carrying walls up the side of this mountain by myself while it took two and three other people to carry the same thing. If people needed help moving they would call me to help carry the heavy stuff. My strength had become part of what defined me. Then there was my hair, my long dark curly hair. I loved my hair, I loved my "jew fro" and so did other people and so it to became part of what defined me. When I think back over the way that Leukemia has changed me, I cannot help but to think of Samson, Samson who was also known for his strength and long hair. And just like Jezebel, Leukemia came and took my hair and my strength. As stupid as it may sound to some, it still hurts to I realize that I can't do things like I did before and that I do not look like I did before.
     But it isn't just the superficial things that I struggle with; I had dreams, dreams of being a missionary, dreams of traveling into the jungles of South America and Africa. Now I struggle to see that happening, me who gets a minor cold and ends up in the hospital for a week, how could I ever go walking around in the jungle? And it isn't just those dreams of what I would do with my life, but of who I would be. I dreamed of being a father since I was a kid. To have a doctor tell you that if you want to live you will have to go through chemo and radiation treatments that will prevent that from ever happening. To think it is ok because there is always adoption only to watch as literally millions of dollars of medical bills constantly are coming in. It is hard to have spent most of your life wanting something so desperately, only to get stuck in a hospital room for weeks at a time with nothing to do but watch those dreams slip away.
     No I cannot and will not pretend like just because I am alive, just because I am surviving that everyday is full of joy and thanksgiving. That is hard to admit having met some wonderful people and families that went through the same thing but did not make it. I know that I should be on my knees night and day thanking God for all that He has brought me through, but some days I find it hard to do anything but sit at home and weep. I know that this is hard for some of you to read because I know that you love me and care about me, but this has to be said because their is a truth behind it all that people need to know. No matter what struggles you face day to day, there will be days when you feel sad and depressed and you feel like just giving up and quitting. Those days happen, those moments will come and we have to be aware of that sad reality.
     The importance to what I am saying, is not for the person that might be having one of those days right now. The importance in what I am saying is for you who are watching people going through one of those days. People always want to tell me how proud they are of me for staying positive and not giving up through this battle, but the grim reality of it all is that if I had faced this on my own I would have given up and died a long time ago. I am not here because of my own perseverance, I am here because of all the people who have rallied around me and encouraged me through all these ups and downs. The people who prayed night and day for me, who fasted days and weeks at a time for me, who sat in my hospital room keeping me company, who sent emails and text and letters of encouragement, who sacrificed their time to take me back and forth to the doctors, who never for one moment let me forget who I was or feel unloved. Those are the heroes of my story.
     We are so quick to think we are powerless, that we are not able to do anything. I hear so many people try to convince themselves that they are worthless, but that just is not true. I have a mother and a father that are so grateful that because of your help they still have a son. I have two sisters that could not hug you enough for helping to make sure that their little brother is still alive. I have countless friends and family that will read this and cry tears of joy because of all that you have done for me. Every person has worth and value because every person has the ability to extend a hand to help someone up, to open up their arms and give someone a hug, to offer a shoulder for someone to lean on. If ever you doubt your worth, look into the eyes of those around you and know just how much power is in the smallest of gestures or the softest or words. This world cannot and will not survive without you!

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NLT)

⁹ Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. ¹⁰ If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. ¹¹ Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? ¹² A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

What does it mean to follow Christ?

And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul? For what can a man give in return for his soul? For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, of him will the Son of Man also be ashamed when he comes in the glory of his Father with the holy angels.”

(Mark 8:34-38 ESV)

These words echo in my mind constantly, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” Jesus straight up says what we must do, yet I often wonder if I am really living it out. I mean, what does it mean to deny myself? How does one take up their cross? As with all things I guess we just have to pick a place and start digging in to the Word and pray that God will reveal to us the answers we seek.

Let’s separate this verse and take it apart step by step starting with “let him deny himself” Deny means to restrain (oneself) from gratification of desires according to Webster’s.   So to deny myself means I have to put not just the things I desire aside, but also the gratification of seeing those desires fulfilled.  I then suspend the longing of going after AND the joy of getting what I want in order to follow Jesus.  That is by no means an easy task for someone to commit to. There are things in this world I want to do and pursue. I want to see the Northern Lights in the midst of the Alaskan Wilderness, I want to dive the Great Barrier Reef of Australia, and walk the back roads of Scotland. I want to go to college and get my Degree in Missions, I want to be a Missionary to Africa, I want to get my Doctorate in Apologetics and retire to pastor a local church near a University I can teach at. But to see every desire and goal fulfiled and have missed following Jesus would make it all mean nothing. There is a sacrifice involved in obedience, and Jesus wants everyone to be clear that follow Him means denying you!

Next comes the phrase “take up his cross.” First,  I think we need to define what the cross is. The cross was first used in Israel during the Hellenistic times. It was here upon the cross that the Greeks hung the Jews that would not conform to the “Greek way of life.”(Myers) Thus the cross becomes a symbol of a person’s refusal to depart from their values and beliefs.  When hung on a cross, one first was flogged and then forced to carry their own cross to the place of execution. When Jesus says you must take up your cross, he is making two things clear. First, that following him will be evident to everyone around you. When I person is walking down a street with a big ole cross on his back, people notice. Second, He is letting you know that there is a price, a burden that is to come when you follow Him. John 3:19-21 tells us that Christ is the light that exposes darkness and evil men hate the light because it shows who they really are. If you then follow after Christ you become a reflection of that light that exposes the sin of man. When faced with truth we are forced to either accept it or reject it. Thus is the price of following Christ often becomes the rejection of the world.

                So to follow Christ I must lay down my desires, my life becomes public, and many will reject me. Where do I sign up? The cost seems high, but that is only because it is. The last verse of our orginal passage is filled with both a harsh reality and a joyous celebration. Jesus puts it as simple and clear as he possible can. He says deny me before man and I will deny you before my father. If Christ is our hope of salvation, then to be denied by Christ would mean to be denied of our salvation. Wow, that is kind of a big deal! The reality of it is you aren’t going to sneak in to Heaven, you aren't going to tip toe around the hard decisions. A choice will always have to be made, but the joy in that statement is the other side. Deny Christ and Christ will deny you, but live for Christ unashamedly and enter in to the “Glory of the His Father and the holy Angels.

He Works All Things to Our Good!

Romans 8:28
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

So here I am, I have been saved through my declaration of faith in Jesus Christ (Rom 10:9); I have been justified by the blood of Christ (Rom 5:9); and therefore I have been chosen by God and called out of darkness(1 Peter 2:9). Because of this, when I read Romans 8:28 I think, "Ok, life is hard and it even kinda sucks right now, but God has good for me somewhere in the midst of all this." When my wife was sick and no one could tell us what was wrong with her, God had good in this for me. When my wife walked out on me, God still has good in this for me. When I got diagnosed with cancer, God...He has good in this for me. When I am left in financial ruin from hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical bills, God...He has to have something good in this for me. When I am left isolated and cut off from the world trapped in a hospital room, God...He does have something good in this for me...right? When my dream of having kids is stripped from me through radiation and chemo...God where is there anything good in this?" It was all so easy at first to believe, but as thing got worse it all made less and less sense this...this "good" that God is supposedly working for me.

I have spent the last few weeks hurting and discouraged, wrestling with the purpose and the meaning of everything that has happened over the past few years. Constantly asking God why? I have become so sick of hearing, "God works all things to the good of those who love him." What does that even mean? What are you saying because my life goes from bad to worse I don't love God? Of course I do, that is why I am here! That is why I keep fighting, because of the hope that there might be good at the end of all this. But it all seems to have gotten so frustrating and so confusing. Nothing seems to make sense any more. I break down and cry most every night just wanting something to change. Just wanting to know that God hasn't forsaken me in all this.

In my life, I have found that most of the time, I am my own biggest obstacle in getting to the truth. See I keep waiting for God to do something good for me; it is like I am looking for some reward for having endured through these past few years. And then like a mack truck it hits me. I have been defining "good" by my terms and not by God's. So how does God define "good"? I began reading the New Testament to see what Jesus constantly describe as being good. I looked through the Gospels and I was amazed at how many times Jesus talks about how "good" trees bear "good" fruit. If good is bearing fruit, then would not part of what God is "working for my good" be that I bear fruit. But how can I bear good fruit with a testimony of such pain and hardship? What do I say, "Hey you should become a christian so the world can take a giant crap on you!"

I mean if we are going to be realistic, my life isn't a good selling point for the christian life. Sure look at Joseph and everything he went through: he was abused by his brothers, sold into slavery, falsely charged with rape, and forgotten for years in the prison system but in the end, he became 2nd in command over the entire Egyptian Empire. Or Job, a man God had blessed with a large family and much wealth, he watched as his family, friends and servants die all around him, he lost everthing, he was physically afflicted with sickness but in the end, the Lord blesses the latter half of Job's life even more that before. There hardships lead to a blessed life, while mine has me in the hospital yet again, watching as my life continuing to spiral downwards. In truth, I guess what I have been waiting for is that turning point where things finally go from radically bad to radically good.

And there it is. I said I was often my own obstacle to getting to the the truth. Well the truth is that I have been looking so hard for something good to happen to me, that I missed all the good happening around me. I missed my C24 students using my story to witness and comfort their friends; I missed them growing as they dug in to pray for my recovery and healing. I missed people that I haven't even met finding joy and hope in my story. I missed a 12 year old boy who ask his mother what fasting was and after she told him that it is a practice often done to ask God to meet a specific need, that young man spent then next week fasting lunch for me. You see I got so wrapped up in my self and in "my good" that I forgot it that it was never about me. Joseph got it and after everything he went through, when he met his brothers who had so brutally betrayed him for the first time in years, the brothers thought it was the end, that he would exact his revenge on them. But Joseph upon seeing them says, “Don’t be afraid...You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. (Gen 50:20)

Without any help from me, my testimony has been producing "good" fruit and now I see that what the world and sin intended to harm me, that God has been working it all to good. In the mist of my affliction and despair, I remember Gods love and compassion for me and therefore I have hope (Lam 3:21-22). God has not ended my life, but has carried me through troubled waters and the good is not fame, fortune or power, but a testimony of His love, a testimony of faith, a testimony of hope, a testimony of endurance. Maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe tomorrow will be worse; either way, I know that tomorrow will bring new opportunities to tell of how I did not die, but I lived and because of that I will proclaim all that the Lord has done and is doing in me. For truly in the darkest of times, God is working all things to my good!

Oh How He Loves Us!

Springville, Alabama, home of the Tigers football team. I had the pleasure of being in attendance back in October for the annual Home Coming Parade. Falling in with tradition of southern football, faithful fans lined Main Street despite low temperatures and light rain. I joined in with the spectators to cheer on the marching band in support of some my youth group kids. I soon found the family of one of my girls anxiously awaiting to see their daughter Kassie march through the town. As the sound of the approaching band grew louder, the family begain to cheer and call out as there baby girl marched by. As Kassie's face lit up and she began to beam with joy, I found God begin to break me inside.

October had to be one of the hardest months I have ever been forced to endure in my 27 years upon this Earth. Life began to crumble around me and I felt as though I was in a tailspin heading straight for the ground. I rarely slept and I rarely ate; as much as I tried to fight, life felt as though it was nothing more but a cold deserted waist land. Hopes and dreams were circling the drain and I felt lost and out of place. Joy had become a distant memory of a time long ago. And yet here in this misery, God used a 15 year old high school student and her family to show me just how much he loved me.

Later that night, I stood in a worship service feeling like doing anything but worshiping. I was so consumed with the failures of life, that I felt to unworthy to join in worship. The more I actually tried, the worse I felt. I found myself just standing there telling God how sorry I was for my silence. And then I saw the replay of the parade running through my head. I was completely confused and then God began to make it all clear.

God: "What made Kassie so happy today?"

Me: "Well I guess it was because we were all cheering for her."

God: "Were there not others before and after you cheering as she went by?"

Me: "Yes, I guess there was."

God: "Why did they not have the same affect on her?"

Me: "I guess because she did not know them."

God: "So it was seeing those that loved her cheering her that filled her with Joy?"

Me: "I guess. I don't understand God?"

God: "I know. You are feeling bad right now because you can't find the will to join in worship right now. You think that it makes you a bad person that you are struggling to show me that you love me. What you don't understand is that I don't need you to tell me anything. Yes I do rejoice in my children and in their love for me but there is so much more that I long for. I know your heart and I know you love me, but what I need you to see and to understand is that I love you. I need you to know that even in the cold and in the rain, I am the one that is standing on the side of the the road going crazy cheering for you. You think that you have control of what is happening. You think other peoples mistakes are yours. You think that what you do affects me. What you don't get is that there is nothing that is ever going to stop me from cheering for you because there is nothing that will ever stop me loving you."

Our relationship with God is never about what we bring him, for nothing I can offer will ever suffice. Our relationship with God is simply about understanding that He loves us without condition and without hesitation. See a stranger cheering Kassie on really doesn't mean that much, but to see her family and friends out there enduring the elements just to see her march by for a few seconds brought an overflowing joy to her; a joy that immediately became evident with her smile and laughter. If we can only understand that as we march through this life, God is not only there when it is pleasant or convenient, God is there when it hurts and when it is hard and when everything is going wrong. He is there calling out our name and cheering us on. If we can only keep that picture in our minds, then the joy that overflows from that love will be the light that destroys the darkness in our life and in the lives of those around us. No matter what you have done, no matter what has been done to you, God loves you.