Just One Step Despite The Struggle

"Wealth gained hastily will dwindle, but whoever gathers little by little will increase it."

Proverbs 13:11
 

This is such an odd verse to start out with considering what I am about to talk about; never the less, this is where I must begin. I was reading my devotion this morning on the subject of hope which took me to Proverbs 13 where verse 11 happen to catch my eye. The breakdown of this verse is very simple, that which is easily obtained is most often easily let go of, while that which we are forced to work hard for we tend to treat more responsibly. As a child I wanted everything I saw and would get mad when I could not have it. Money meant nothing to a five year old boy with no job. Turning sixteen however and wanting a car required me to go and find a job. After working my tail off for minimum wage and gaining a deeper comprehension of a hard day’s work, what I bought required a much bigger thought process than, "I want that!"
 

Now I am standing in a different situation, but the principle behind this proverb seems to be able to be applied here also. If you do not know me, I have spent the last 3 years fighting cancer. I am currently in remission, but I have to deal with the aftermath of having had a bone marrow transplant. This has caused a lot of my plans and dreams to change or shatter all together as I have spoken of in previous post. It can be very difficult at times to know how great of a God I serve, a God I know is all powerful and with no effort could restore my body. The question of "why am I still going through this?" consistently crosses my mind. Often times it teems with bitterness and resentment! I mean seriously, what the crap God! But then I look at the flip side of having had to walk this journey out little by little, step by step. I see the good that has come from being forced to remain in this circumstance. Sure I want and would love to be able to wake up tomorrow with all this behind me, but I am (though with great struggle) also joyful to be able to wake up tomorrow and take one more step on this path as little by little my victory is slowing drawing near. A victory that being forced so hard to fight for, I cannot imagine I would ever so easily let go of.
 

When you are in the midst of your own struggle, to read this seems stupid and dumb. It makes you want to say, "That’s great for you, but you don't know me and what I'm going through." You are right I do not! But here is what I do know. I know what it is like to walk in to my room and sit on my bed and cry until there is nothing left. I know what it feels like to look at tomorrow with no hope of anything better waiting there for me. I know what it is like to want to quit and give up. I know what it is like to sink so desperately low that everything just feels numb and dead inside. I know what it is like to hurt so deeply physically and emotionally that death looks like relief and salvation. I know what it is like to hear someone say "God has a plan for all this" and just want to scream, yell and hit them in the face. I know the anger and the bitterness that has filled my heart as other people's dreams come to life and prosper around me. We are not all walking through the same things, but many of us are feeling the same consequences of the struggle we are in.
 

I battle these feelings to this day, more than I care to admit, but I press on one step at a time. I do not know how long I will struggle down this road and if it ends in healing or in death. I can worry about whether I will ever make it through all this until I end up making myself sick (and many times I have done just that) but this serves no good purpose! Whether I must walk ten more feet or a thousand more miles, I must first take this next step. That is what is so amazing about having faith in God. Faith does not require me to gather up the strength to finish this journey; faith only requires that I find that little bit of strength to take one step, just one single step. Psalms 37:23 says the steps of a righteous man are ordered by God. Each step you take in overcoming your current circumstance is a step God is ordering, a step God is blessing, a step God is using to get you closer. Isaiah 43:2 shows that God is not always going to teleport us to the other side of the journey; but that if we trust Him, He will protect us as we walk through our struggles. Even though each step we take is hard, nothing changes the simple fact that the second step down this road can never be reached until the first one is taken.

It is a crazy way of thinking, focusing on just one step or one moment at a time when circumstances can be so huge. I am by no means an artsy person, but I can appreciate the talent and skill of being able to take a piece of stone or a few colors and create such beautiful masterpieces that are showcased all over the world. Works of art that are so inspiring and beautiful that people travel thousands of miles and pay money and wait in lines just to be able to look at Michelangelo's David or Di Vinci's Mona Lisa or Van Gogh's Starry Night or Alexandros' Venus de Milo. Despite the intricate and delicate process in creating these masterpieces, they all started the same way: just a single brush stroke or chisel and then another and another. Stroke after stroke, chisel after chisel, beauty began to emerge until finally the artist stepped back and saw that the work was complete. Little by little wealth is built, little by little beauty is created, and little by little life changes and struggles do end!

 

I told you earlier I got so mad at someone when they would tell me, "God has a plan for all this." Well now let me give you that same opportunity to hate me and want to hit me in the face. I have seen the good has been brought out in other people as I have walked this  struggle out. The only reason I can stand here now is because of the people that surrounded me, prayed over me, encouraged me and reminded me I still have purpose and meaning despite everything cancer has taken. How insane that without even trying to do anything other than survive, I was helping to strengthen and grow the very people who are helping encourage and strengthen me. I was in no way trying to do anything for them. I looked at my life in those dark moments as being insignificant and pointless; and yet all the while, God was using what I thought to be a mundane meaningless life to help encourage people to hang on and take one more step through their own struggles.
 

See, it is not that we win the war, it is that we fight the battle! It does not even matter at the end of the day if I have stumbled again as long as I get back up! That is what changes the world, that is what pulls others up out of darkness. Do not fool yourself into believing people do not see or know your struggle, hurting people recognize hurting people. And when they see you hurt and fall, it shows them they are not alone in the struggle! And when they see you get up despite the pain and take one more step, it shows them that it is not impossible! And when they see you get back up again and again and again, it reminds them that what they are fighting to overcome is worth it! And when you look up and reach back out to God, it shows them they have not fallen beyond the reach of grace and redemption. Your struggle not only grows your faith but it gives hope to others to go on! You are not alone! Jesus himself asked God for another way before being arrested and beaten and crucified. The road ahead of him in the garden was going to be long and painful, but Jesus knew that with each step His Father was creating something so beautiful that 2000 years later, it is still changing the world!
 

Remember, just because we aren't all dealing with the same problems, we still share a lot of the same feelings they create. I do not need financial advice from someone who has won the lottery; I need it from someone who has built a life upon principals and experience. It is the same thing with dealing with my heartbreak and sorrow. When someone can see you have went or are going through all the hurt and trails and tribulations they are going through, your testimony carries so much more depth and power. Socrates advised mankind to "Employ your time in improving yourself by other men's writing so that you shall come easily by what others have labored hard for." Life is happening all around us; sometimes it is good and beautiful and sometimes it sucks with every breath we take! But life is also moving forward little by little, step by step in your life and the lives of people all around you. So today begin to change your outlook. Do not become overwhelmed by how far you may think this road is, but seek and trust God to give you that little bit of strength so that you may once again take just one more step. Little by little this battle will end and a lasting victory will be obtained!

The Harsh Reality of How Much You Are Needed!

     Looking back on these past few weeks, I have really been struggling. It has been almost two years since I first got diagnosed with Leukemia and it has been a year since I received my bone marrow transplant.  During all this time, all of my dreams had to be put on hold and some had to be given up.  I love my life and I am thankful to be alive, but I will not lie and say that there are not days when I am overwhelmed by it all and struggle to keep going.
     Before I got sick, part of what I was known for was my hair and my strength. I can remember being in Guatemala and carrying walls up the side of this mountain by myself while it took two and three other people to carry the same thing. If people needed help moving they would call me to help carry the heavy stuff. My strength had become part of what defined me. Then there was my hair, my long dark curly hair. I loved my hair, I loved my "jew fro" and so did other people and so it to became part of what defined me. When I think back over the way that Leukemia has changed me, I cannot help but to think of Samson, Samson who was also known for his strength and long hair. And just like Jezebel, Leukemia came and took my hair and my strength. As stupid as it may sound to some, it still hurts to I realize that I can't do things like I did before and that I do not look like I did before.
     But it isn't just the superficial things that I struggle with; I had dreams, dreams of being a missionary, dreams of traveling into the jungles of South America and Africa. Now I struggle to see that happening, me who gets a minor cold and ends up in the hospital for a week, how could I ever go walking around in the jungle? And it isn't just those dreams of what I would do with my life, but of who I would be. I dreamed of being a father since I was a kid. To have a doctor tell you that if you want to live you will have to go through chemo and radiation treatments that will prevent that from ever happening. To think it is ok because there is always adoption only to watch as literally millions of dollars of medical bills constantly are coming in. It is hard to have spent most of your life wanting something so desperately, only to get stuck in a hospital room for weeks at a time with nothing to do but watch those dreams slip away.
     No I cannot and will not pretend like just because I am alive, just because I am surviving that everyday is full of joy and thanksgiving. That is hard to admit having met some wonderful people and families that went through the same thing but did not make it. I know that I should be on my knees night and day thanking God for all that He has brought me through, but some days I find it hard to do anything but sit at home and weep. I know that this is hard for some of you to read because I know that you love me and care about me, but this has to be said because their is a truth behind it all that people need to know. No matter what struggles you face day to day, there will be days when you feel sad and depressed and you feel like just giving up and quitting. Those days happen, those moments will come and we have to be aware of that sad reality.
     The importance to what I am saying, is not for the person that might be having one of those days right now. The importance in what I am saying is for you who are watching people going through one of those days. People always want to tell me how proud they are of me for staying positive and not giving up through this battle, but the grim reality of it all is that if I had faced this on my own I would have given up and died a long time ago. I am not here because of my own perseverance, I am here because of all the people who have rallied around me and encouraged me through all these ups and downs. The people who prayed night and day for me, who fasted days and weeks at a time for me, who sat in my hospital room keeping me company, who sent emails and text and letters of encouragement, who sacrificed their time to take me back and forth to the doctors, who never for one moment let me forget who I was or feel unloved. Those are the heroes of my story.
     We are so quick to think we are powerless, that we are not able to do anything. I hear so many people try to convince themselves that they are worthless, but that just is not true. I have a mother and a father that are so grateful that because of your help they still have a son. I have two sisters that could not hug you enough for helping to make sure that their little brother is still alive. I have countless friends and family that will read this and cry tears of joy because of all that you have done for me. Every person has worth and value because every person has the ability to extend a hand to help someone up, to open up their arms and give someone a hug, to offer a shoulder for someone to lean on. If ever you doubt your worth, look into the eyes of those around you and know just how much power is in the smallest of gestures or the softest or words. This world cannot and will not survive without you!

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NLT)

⁹ Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. ¹⁰ If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. ¹¹ Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? ¹² A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

What Goes Up Must Come Down!

I am having dinner with a couple of friends the other night and after some amazing chicken, we get to talking about my friend Hollywood's film getting accepted into the Sidewalk Film Festival. As I am congratulating her, I realize that I have never seen any of Hollywood's films. We go upstairs and she pulls out some DVDs and we start watching a few. One particular short she played was a film called Luck. A guy walking down the sidewalk finds a penny on the ground; he picks it up and proceeds to toss it into the air. He stands there for a few seconds looking perplexed as the penny does not come back down. Confused the young man simply walks away; as he does so, we see handfuls of pennies fall where the young man had been standing. Then the Lord began to move in me.

Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." God wants to you to have desires because he wants to fulfil them. The key to this is delighting yourself in the Lord. When He becomes your central focus, the reason behind your being, then your desires become His own. Too many people are so quick to give up their hopes and their dreams. If it was worth believing in so much, it is the thing that fills your heart with so much passion that it became your dream, then how can you so easily toss it aside? God gave you a heart and filled it with desires. If you are following Him and trusting in Him, then why would you think that they are bad?

In this life I have learned two very important things. The first is to never lose hope in your dreams. There maybe times when God says, "wait" or even "no" but don't lose hope. God commanded Abraham to sacrifice Issac, but when Abraham drew his knife God stopped him (Gen 22). God told Jonah to proclaim that the destruction of Nineveh would take place period. He never said Nineveh would be destroyed unless the people repented, he simple said this was what WAS going to happen. Yet the King declared the city to repent and fast praying for God's mercy. God relented and Nineveh was spared (Jonah 3). Never lose hope in your dreams. If it is the desire of your heart then seek it. God doesn't desire us to be disappointed and if we live in surrender to Him, the He will not fill our hearts with pipe dreams.

The second thing I have learned is that when God speaks you listen! God is serious when he speaks. God told Lot and his wife to leave Sodom, to flee and not look back. When Lot's wife looked back and immediately she turned into a pillar of salt (Gen 19). God gave specific instructions that no one was allowed to touch the ark. The ark was to be carried using poles and even then only by consecrated priest. While the ark was being transported, the oxen pulling the cart stumbled and Uzzah reached out to steady the Ark and immediately was struck dead! (2 Sam 6) While I hold fast to my dreams, when God said "wait" I waited and God said "no" I stopped. I never lost hope and I never let my dreams fade away, but I remained obedient and did as I was told with joy in my heart and gladness in my soul. I don't fear God saying no because I know that He works all things for my good.(Rom 8:28). The key to that is understanding we don't decide what good is! We may not like everything that God does, but that doesn't mean it isn't still for my good.

As I watched the young man in the film give up on the penny coming back down and walk away, it saddened me. It reminded me of people who give up when the penny doesn't immediately come back down. If you want it, go after it with all you have. If God says no, then be obedient, but understand obedience doesn't mean you lose hope, it simply means you obey. Right now, I am not living my dream. My dream, my passion is to preach! It burns in every bone of my body like a fire unable to be quenched. I have spent years and thousands of dollars pursuing this dream, yet every time I start to step out, God has said, "No, I want you to serve here." So now, here I am serving God joyfully and thankful that God is using me, even though this isn't my dream. I hold my dream in my heart and I retain hope that when God sees it as being to my good, that the penny will come back down and it will come down abundantly! Until that time I remain hopeful, but I remain obedient. As Paul wrote in Philippians 4:11-13, I have learned to be content with life because if I am obedient, I will always be right where God has placed me. If this is God's will and I am in it, then why should I be down cast or disheartened that I find myself outside of my dream? In the end, if I die and leave my dreams unfulfilled, do you really think I am going to be arrive in to Heaven bitter that I lived my life in obedience to God's will?