Looking back on these past few weeks, I have really been struggling. It has been almost two years since I first got diagnosed with Leukemia and it has been a year since I received my bone marrow transplant. During all this time, all of my dreams had to be put on hold and some had to be given up. I love my life and I am thankful to be alive, but I will not lie and say that there are not days when I am overwhelmed by it all and struggle to keep going.
Before I got sick, part of what I was known for was my hair and my strength. I can remember being in Guatemala and carrying walls up the side of this mountain by myself while it took two and three other people to carry the same thing. If people needed help moving they would call me to help carry the heavy stuff. My strength had become part of what defined me. Then there was my hair, my long dark curly hair. I loved my hair, I loved my "jew fro" and so did other people and so it to became part of what defined me. When I think back over the way that Leukemia has changed me, I cannot help but to think of Samson, Samson who was also known for his strength and long hair. And just like Jezebel, Leukemia came and took my hair and my strength. As stupid as it may sound to some, it still hurts to I realize that I can't do things like I did before and that I do not look like I did before.
But it isn't just the superficial things that I struggle with; I had dreams, dreams of being a missionary, dreams of traveling into the jungles of South America and Africa. Now I struggle to see that happening, me who gets a minor cold and ends up in the hospital for a week, how could I ever go walking around in the jungle? And it isn't just those dreams of what I would do with my life, but of who I would be. I dreamed of being a father since I was a kid. To have a doctor tell you that if you want to live you will have to go through chemo and radiation treatments that will prevent that from ever happening. To think it is ok because there is always adoption only to watch as literally millions of dollars of medical bills constantly are coming in. It is hard to have spent most of your life wanting something so desperately, only to get stuck in a hospital room for weeks at a time with nothing to do but watch those dreams slip away.
No I cannot and will not pretend like just because I am alive, just because I am surviving that everyday is full of joy and thanksgiving. That is hard to admit having met some wonderful people and families that went through the same thing but did not make it. I know that I should be on my knees night and day thanking God for all that He has brought me through, but some days I find it hard to do anything but sit at home and weep. I know that this is hard for some of you to read because I know that you love me and care about me, but this has to be said because their is a truth behind it all that people need to know. No matter what struggles you face day to day, there will be days when you feel sad and depressed and you feel like just giving up and quitting. Those days happen, those moments will come and we have to be aware of that sad reality.
The importance to what I am saying, is not for the person that might be having one of those days right now. The importance in what I am saying is for you who are watching people going through one of those days. People always want to tell me how proud they are of me for staying positive and not giving up through this battle, but the grim reality of it all is that if I had faced this on my own I would have given up and died a long time ago. I am not here because of my own perseverance, I am here because of all the people who have rallied around me and encouraged me through all these ups and downs. The people who prayed night and day for me, who fasted days and weeks at a time for me, who sat in my hospital room keeping me company, who sent emails and text and letters of encouragement, who sacrificed their time to take me back and forth to the doctors, who never for one moment let me forget who I was or feel unloved. Those are the heroes of my story.
We are so quick to think we are powerless, that we are not able to do anything. I hear so many people try to convince themselves that they are worthless, but that just is not true. I have a mother and a father that are so grateful that because of your help they still have a son. I have two sisters that could not hug you enough for helping to make sure that their little brother is still alive. I have countless friends and family that will read this and cry tears of joy because of all that you have done for me. Every person has worth and value because every person has the ability to extend a hand to help someone up, to open up their arms and give someone a hug, to offer a shoulder for someone to lean on. If ever you doubt your worth, look into the eyes of those around you and know just how much power is in the smallest of gestures or the softest or words. This world cannot and will not survive without you!
Before I got sick, part of what I was known for was my hair and my strength. I can remember being in Guatemala and carrying walls up the side of this mountain by myself while it took two and three other people to carry the same thing. If people needed help moving they would call me to help carry the heavy stuff. My strength had become part of what defined me. Then there was my hair, my long dark curly hair. I loved my hair, I loved my "jew fro" and so did other people and so it to became part of what defined me. When I think back over the way that Leukemia has changed me, I cannot help but to think of Samson, Samson who was also known for his strength and long hair. And just like Jezebel, Leukemia came and took my hair and my strength. As stupid as it may sound to some, it still hurts to I realize that I can't do things like I did before and that I do not look like I did before.
But it isn't just the superficial things that I struggle with; I had dreams, dreams of being a missionary, dreams of traveling into the jungles of South America and Africa. Now I struggle to see that happening, me who gets a minor cold and ends up in the hospital for a week, how could I ever go walking around in the jungle? And it isn't just those dreams of what I would do with my life, but of who I would be. I dreamed of being a father since I was a kid. To have a doctor tell you that if you want to live you will have to go through chemo and radiation treatments that will prevent that from ever happening. To think it is ok because there is always adoption only to watch as literally millions of dollars of medical bills constantly are coming in. It is hard to have spent most of your life wanting something so desperately, only to get stuck in a hospital room for weeks at a time with nothing to do but watch those dreams slip away.
No I cannot and will not pretend like just because I am alive, just because I am surviving that everyday is full of joy and thanksgiving. That is hard to admit having met some wonderful people and families that went through the same thing but did not make it. I know that I should be on my knees night and day thanking God for all that He has brought me through, but some days I find it hard to do anything but sit at home and weep. I know that this is hard for some of you to read because I know that you love me and care about me, but this has to be said because their is a truth behind it all that people need to know. No matter what struggles you face day to day, there will be days when you feel sad and depressed and you feel like just giving up and quitting. Those days happen, those moments will come and we have to be aware of that sad reality.
The importance to what I am saying, is not for the person that might be having one of those days right now. The importance in what I am saying is for you who are watching people going through one of those days. People always want to tell me how proud they are of me for staying positive and not giving up through this battle, but the grim reality of it all is that if I had faced this on my own I would have given up and died a long time ago. I am not here because of my own perseverance, I am here because of all the people who have rallied around me and encouraged me through all these ups and downs. The people who prayed night and day for me, who fasted days and weeks at a time for me, who sat in my hospital room keeping me company, who sent emails and text and letters of encouragement, who sacrificed their time to take me back and forth to the doctors, who never for one moment let me forget who I was or feel unloved. Those are the heroes of my story.
We are so quick to think we are powerless, that we are not able to do anything. I hear so many people try to convince themselves that they are worthless, but that just is not true. I have a mother and a father that are so grateful that because of your help they still have a son. I have two sisters that could not hug you enough for helping to make sure that their little brother is still alive. I have countless friends and family that will read this and cry tears of joy because of all that you have done for me. Every person has worth and value because every person has the ability to extend a hand to help someone up, to open up their arms and give someone a hug, to offer a shoulder for someone to lean on. If ever you doubt your worth, look into the eyes of those around you and know just how much power is in the smallest of gestures or the softest or words. This world cannot and will not survive without you!
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NLT)
9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
